In our society there is an incredible pressure to have a positive attitude, especially for people who are dealing with illness or loss. I can't count the number of time that news of my loss or my health have been followed by the words "but at least..." and then some attempt to put a silver lining on my situation. Some of them have been incredibly insensitive, like "at least you don't have kids" or "at least you are young so you can start over" and all of them have the effect of trivializing the pain I am going through. I know that people do not intend to be harmful, in fact, they likely think that their platitudes are helpful, but that doesn't mean that they are not hurtful. One girl told me that I should watch The Secret and it would change my life. I've read the book and so I guess her message to me was that if I believed that I didn't have cancer, I wouldn't or that I attracted cancer to myself. Let's not even think about what The Secret's answer would be to Gess's death.
I agree that it is harmful to have a negative attitude all of the time. For illnesses and cancer particularly, there is evidence that feelings of hopelessness correlate with poorer outcomes. I am a big proponent for trying to find hope in life or at least for the day, especially when life is hard. But, that doesn't mean that you have to be happy and positive all of the time. Life is not all positive and pretending that it is does not make it so.
I am a widow and I have cancer. That sucks. Period. No way around it. And I should not feel compelled to act positive about it all of the time. In fact, if I start acting positive all of the time, you should be concerned. At the same time, I can have good days (and yes, I've had people actually respond negatively to me when I said I was doing well). There are ups and there are downs. There are days when I feel so sick that it is a struggle to get out of bed. And then there are days when I feel pretty good and try to have a little fun. There are days when I am positive about my prognosis and there are days when I am negative about my prognosis. This is life. And you know what? It's perfect normal to have both of these types of days, especially when you are dealing with issues like cancer and widowhood.
So, the next time you find yourself trying to offer a friend the "bright side" when he or she is talking about a rough patch, resist the urge and offer a hug instead.
5 comments:
If only we were geographically closer, I'd run over and give you a hug daily. Well, I'd probably walk really slowly with my o2 hanging around, but I would love to just have the time to be with you and just be - ourselves. I get what you're saying, and it's a really weird thing that happens. Big HUGSSS to you~
Unfortunately also, I don't think people want to hear about someone's bad day or poor health for too long. I;ve always gotten the sense of overstaying my welcome with what I say - which is why I've always kept most of the bad crap to myself for as long as I can remember. I feel like people can take a little of it, but certainly not the amount of time we're dealing with crap. So meanwhile, you have to just feel like crap all on your own until society deems it's okay to talk about it again. It's so strange, and leave those who are sick for life or long periods of time - just hanging by a thread sometimes. Unfortunately I think you have to always be gauging your audience's patient level or else it gets awkard. It's such an odd pressure that I'm quite sure "they" don't know if happening.
You are right Kelly. I think that people just don't know what to do and it is hard for them to hear about the crap that people have to deal with. I understand that the checker at the grocery store doesn't need to hear about my life story, but friends and family should let you just be. You shouldn't have to put on a happy face for them all of the time. For me it just makes me feel alone and sad that I am upsetting other people. There are times when I feel like I hurt people simply by being alive. And that is not a fun way to feel.
that's why I love the <3 on facebook lol.
I agree wholeheartedly with what you and Kel have said!
I remember a very good friend of mine once told me that she thought the power of the mind could cure of us anything if we really tapped into it. Yeah. so basically my mind is weak because I haven;t cured myself of my CF? It really hit a nerve. So when you wrote that about The Secret I immediately thought about that and how it made me feel.
My dad as well often tells me I need to read Psalm 93 in the Bible as it promises "god's protection" from the "evils" in life and he constantly insinuates that because I am not on the right side of "God" that bad things might happen to me. thankfully he doesn't go so far as to make it sound like this is CF related, but the audacity of people acting a if illnesses and such are our own faults! (unless maybe we are sharing needles with our heroin chums).
I'm constantly bombarded by my family and a few friends about changing my attitude. It's so damn frustrating and does nothing for me in feeling better. If just changing our attitudes was that easy wouldn't we do it? Who WANTS to be sad or angry or depressed often? These emotions serve a place in our lives though and we need them as much as happiness and optimism and chippy. You've had the shittiest year of anyone I know and you have every right to grieve for all you have lost and be angry or annoyed or whatever you feel that day.
It's too bad people (at least in our society) have such a hard time accepting that others are sometimes just having a crappy time. Everyone wants to make it better or not deal with it. My mother is good at this: "you are feeling beeter, arent you? But aren't you feeling a little better than yesterday?" It's like she must ease her own mind - so the last thing she wants to hear is NO! I feel like shit! Because that would upset and worry her and she doesn't want to be upset and worried, so by God, i better put on a smile and feel good!
On a day you feel like a smile or a laugh, you're just as entitled to that too!! and then if you laugh or smile it's like everyone thinks you're all healed and better, which is also frustrating.
I wish we could all learn to just let one another BE.
I admit I am often not good with words and I often worry I say the wrong thing, but as Amy said, Facebook is great for being of few words and lots of love - and so as I've said before, I am thinking of you and sending you lots of love!!
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